cosmonaut : Memory. Part 2.

It's been raining for days....

Emotions at peak for days....

....walking forward holding hands with fear....

diving to the depths of ourselves...

diving deep, embracing fear.

Embracing ourselves.

And there's been plenty of water lately...

...lightening and rain....

Storms........
stirring.....up....
...purging.....

Memories. Emotions. Habits. Thoughts.

The "Stuff" Transformation is made from.

Water: reflects both light and dark back into cohesiveness. We are not alone when we feel; rather, we become psychically connected with all that is, inside and out. Empathy raises our vibration up the spiral of emotion and experience.

This is the spiritual spiral of the archetype cancer, ever moving within the internal shifts of the tides, enough to know the depths of oneself.. In Cancer, the theme or challenge of duality (humanity as cosmos and earth) is to rise up the spiral, creating gratitude for the depth and the light, the responsive conscious behavior, or sink down to the dark shadow of illusion, subconscious reactive behaviors.
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All this rain started with the water trine.

...All this water...

stirring.....up....
...purging.....

Memories.
They hold us in connection to times of dearness, times of pain, times of stress, and times that remind us of who we are.
....or at least who we think we are. They connect us through emotion through thought.

We have a stockpile of thoughts, emotions, experiences stored over our years.

All those things your parents told you, those behaviors they passed down, their feelings and thoughts you encountered through them, and the behaviors we learned, all implanted somewhere.

We seek to please those we love. We seek their affection in one way or another. Not always attached, but we thrive on being loved.

And as a child, we implanted those things to please in the ultimate purity: we wanted our parents' love.

And as children, We Live naturally and Thrive, from love.

And many of us.... me included...still have those memories.

Those things, that we still act from, that we may not even notice are there.

From our parents, our culture, our schools, our personality....

They're there too.

And we act from them daily.

And we created them... for a reason... they have a purpose.

And usually it boils down to love.

And once we see it. Once we feel it. We can heal it.

"When you feel you can heal." --John Gray, Ph.D.

That journey to feeling starts with feeling your own body, your own sensations, your own breath, and the power of your own mind.

And loving yourself deeply enough to see the beauty in every crevice, no matter the darkness. It's all there to serve our transformation, our evolution in consciousness of the Self.

"We circle around the polarity to vortex into the center of the Self".

Our ego depends still on their love.

Until we choose differently.

Attachment versus co-dependence.

Self in internal, or self in external.

The scary part of purging emotions is "What happens when you forget?"
When that "forgetting" gives freedom from all attachment, we begin a different kind of story...

Nostalgia.

We don't "forget", rather we let the experience pass through with gratitude. Attachment fades. memory becomes nostalgia, or...

...A kitschy type of feeling.

kitsch
/kiCH/
Noun
Art, objects, or design considered to be in poor taste because of excessive garishness or sentimentality, but appreciated in an ironic way.

Like placing a totem pole on the path that leads you home in the dense darkness of the wilderness. A type of feeling that seems distant, but nostalgically personal. A totem exists in the past. We become free to move forward.

I personally collect totems. It's how I choose to release energy of an experience into an object, releasing it from my body and mind. I transition with a totem. As i look back upon them, they remind me of the experience but also remind me that I'm done. it's over. I can re-member, but I cannot re-turn. they remind me how to go back "home"...the home in the present. We take the shit from the experience and turn it into gold.

Memory. My body. Seems to be linked.

maybe it's my stellium in cancer: mars, sun, and mercury. Maybe it's just human. Like all things, probably both.

Ive noticed myself drawing what I long for back into my life, good or bad. That which still holds an attachment seems to return with synchronicity to convince a skeptic. I keep feeding the same energy back to it. I subconsciously through memory and emotion, bring it back to face it "for realz" this time.

For realz.

This is the heart.

I can't ignore it.

I can stuff it, but that's to my undoing.

I'm ready to try something new....

....vulnerability.

panic. yup. Who would ever care to see the real me? I'm way too sensitive for that.... right?

Artemis....moon gooddess. She would laugh....

"I am Artemis, daughter of Zeus.

I am Strong and swift. I run in the woods, wild and free, doing what I please.

I am the ever-youthful female spirit of adventure; young and old, no challenge is too great for me!

I am the protectress for all women and of the virgin girls.

I am called upon to ease the pain of childbirth. I am the Goddess of the Moon and Goddess of the Hunt"

Sensitivity makes me strong. Makes me aware.

It allows me to see.

Usually when I close off, into the subconscious, life gets much much harder.

To feel is to not be real.

"To be Sensitive is to be Alive." Vanda Scaravelli, "Awakening the Spine."

I've been secretly the last month been walking into yoga class sometimes ready to fall apart on the floor. To get myself to release from my bed and pillow, salt still on my face where the tears ran, was perhaps the strongest I felt in a while. And I'm glad I go everytime. To be honest I think that's what vulnerability is. Walking with it. I'm never going to not feel something. If I didn't, if life was perfect, what kind of human would I be...well, actually a robot. a mechanical one with a bloodstream is all.

So why do I ignore it.

....

Oh yeah. It's painful.

But really... is it? or is that just what I've made it to be: unbearably hard. I actually think, when I feel it, I become alive.

But then I look around.....

... zombies....

Yup....I think that's why we have had in the last decade more zombie movies and TV shows produced...

Are we zombies?

Am I a zombie? I kind of feel like one.

Upon meeting my mentor, one of my teachers, and the creatrix of Yogastrology, Diane Booth Gilliam, during one of her workshops, I learned one of the most important lessons i may ever learn in this lifetime (Cancer = the chest, tuning into the Self...) :::

When I pay attention to my heart.... well... something my fear couldn't let me see and accept: I actually feel connected.... hmmmm... surprised?

I was.

This stellium in Cancer was surprised that feelings made her comfortable, even if that meant she was alone.

Whoa.

When I feel, life becomes a lot less hard. When I run away, I loose connection, engagement with MySelf and as a result, the flow and the external.

Life is a lot harder without flow, no intuition. Especially in this period in the cosmos. We're all shifting to something new.

New rules.
New habits.
New thoughts.
New intentions.